Love Bites

Man oh man
Consequences to her actions
She can hardly stand
Drawn to many through the attractions
Sadly most found in the monogamous faction
Always falling in love with those all around her
A big pot of divine magic,
Pure intentions,
Twisted thoughts,
And wicked passions
Trouble
She’s a big pot of trouble
Drawing anyone near to stir
It would tip for all the bubbles
She’s no longer the only one self destructing
Loving
Her whole life’s escape
Quite possibly another toxic trait
To go along with anger, aggression
Sadness, her depression
Impulsiveness the obsessions
All Similar to those trust issues of those she loves
How could one trust a woman of that nature
When there’s nothing but lust that lives between her and those sets of dangerous eyes
Hidden, covered, and disguised
With handsome grins,
funny quirks followed by devilish smirks
Full lips with quick quips
All these things she knows as she takes another sip
Which is what makes trusting her hard
See her eyes are not immune to showing deceit
Her hearts not the only one she’s beat
But today loving is her only defeat
Fatal Attraction

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Island of the damned

Swept away, right off my feet, caught in a frenzied verocious current.

I have no life raft, no preserver, no life insurance.

I struggle, splash, fight to break free, I am no one’s servent

I’m a survivor, a loner, submission a rare occurrence 

Chaos unravels spinning me, dragging me further away from dry land

I protest, I scream, only silence reverberates as the water is heedless of my demands.

Out of breath, soaked, exhausted I am washed up on wet sand.

Shakily I stand, she takes my hand, welcome to the island of the damned.

She states we are stranded, this wasn’t my plan. I would never willingly bind myself to a man. 

Never the less here you stand, here I am, upon my heart I wear your brand.

I feel her truth, I trust those devious yet innocent eyes

Despite contradiction Surrender feels right, I let her inside. I am hers, she is mine. Our own little paradise, can it last the test of time. 

Circus Act

Performer, patron or prop, which am I in this circus.
Big smile, but my clown grin is painted only on the surface.

Who am I behind this make up, loud act and big shoes.
Run around and act happy, but it’s for the crowd, just a ruse.

Do I make you laugh, am I a joke, do I bring you joy.
To be picked up at your amusement, one of your favorite toys.

I put on a great show, watch me dance and watch me slide.
But I know you see the struggle I have going on inside.

You see behind the mask, the pain behind my eyes.
The sacrifices I endure to my wants and to my pride.

Each day I go on stage, seeking the crowds love and approval.
Brought high by their acceptance and crushed by each refusal.

So under spot lights, is this stage my new prison
Am I someone  truly wanted or just a temporary victim.
Will I receive reassurance, or be left to wonder hearing crickets.
Will they perform with me or just keep buying tickets.
.

Eternal Happiness

Walking around dice could never feel as nice

as the things I ruin

This self proclaimed impending doom

Always self sabotaging blocks before what’s behind the next corner

But wait

I live on Earth

And it is not flat

There was nothing waiting around the corner

I think there may be a meadow if I follow

The stream that curves and winds

Something I’ll have to come to terms with if I’ll ever find

Internal happiness

The fear and worry of love

I am in a type of love that causes worry and fear on a regular basis. I worry I will never be good enough for her. I fear that at any moment I could lose her.

I don’t question this as unhealthy. Why would I want to be with someone that didn’t make me always want to be better for them, simply because she deserves the best.

Also, knowing how much light, color and joy they have brought into my world why would I not fear returning back to the dark, grey mediocrity that I trudged thru before her.

Not Okay

Get out of my head, get out of my head. Get out of my mind, can’t face it, I hide instead.

I’m not okay, but can’t speak. each breath full of dread. I’m not okay. Can’t face today.

Gonna remain here in this bed. Get out of my head, get out of my mind. Don’t look at me. Can’t let you see inside. Don’t know what you will find.

Can’t let you in. Just let me hide. I’m so fucking tired. My misery is mine. I can’t share. Just leave me behind. I will be fine, that’s not true, that’s a lie.

I’m not okay. I’m not okay please stay. But I won’t speak. Can’t show my pain. I am weak. My scars are visible my wounds are deep. You can’t help, can you heal me. I’m not okay just touch, just feel me.

Get out of my head, but don’t leave. I will hurt me. You watch me bleed. I will sleep now. You watch me breathe.

You get fed up. I watch you leave. I’m alone again I’m not okay but this is me. Don’t look inside you won’t like what you see.

Get out of my head you can’t stay get out of my head I’m not okay. I’m not okay. I’m not okay

Choose

I will rattle this cage, bend away these bars. Hear my scream silent but defeaning they are.

No I will not be bound, try to hold me down, try to mute my sound, sorrow is sure to be found.

I choose what I’ll be,I choose to be free. I choose to believe, I will now choose for me.

I am loyal, I am true. I am empathetic due to all the bullshit I’ve been thru.

I am blunt but kind. I am giving, I fucking care for mine.

I am a fighter I won’t be trampled. I am becoming more, a better example.

I am not the man I once knew. And the man I become is for only me to choose.

DOES SHE KNOW


Does she know what I see
How the world turns dim behind her silhouette
In the simplest of times
As she drives or takes a puff of a newport cigarette

Does she know what I feel
How I only wish to please
That she is my captor
Do not ever set me free

Does she know what i think
How she consumes my heart, my soul, my mind
While awake or in my sleep
Permeates my being, in me she is entwined

Does she know what I taste
When she invites me in for a kiss
Salt mixed with heaven on lips
Just for the next i can exist

Does she know how I rage
When I look into pain filled eyes of shattered Ice
To remove the weight she carries
There is nothing I wouldn’t do, I would pay any price

Does she know how I hurt
How my heart broke when she said this
I asked what she wanted
Her response was i dont want to exist

Does she know how I yearn
To give her just a small reprieve
To see her smile, love and laugh
To be whatever she may need

Does she know how I wish
To see her live a life full and complete
I will move every fucking mountain
To lay the world down at her feet

Does she know why i smile
When she rambles chasing squirrels
I love to watch her wander
My beautiful crazy girl



Does she know why I ask
For her to teach me how to please
I only want her to feel pleasure
To be satisfied by me

Does she know why I stare
And put on my big dumb grin
Its like my favorite song
Play it again, again, again

Does she know why I stay
Why i would never run
I will fight to protect us
By word or fist or gun

Does she know what i wish
When i imagine us together
Only for her to find joy
And that I make her life a little better

Does she know how it excites me
Her body shaking as she moans
Watching her find pleasure
As i try to find her tone

Does she know why I love her
The way she has captured my very being
I am lost in adoration
My love has no bounds, it knows no reason

Does she know she has my all
Does she know she is an angel
Does she know she owns my heart
Does she know she fierce yet graceful

Does she know that she embodies strength
Does she know her beauty is mythical
Does she know her eyes can melt a heart
Does she know she is a miracle

Does she know I love her
Does she know I will not freely leave
Does she know I am committed
Does she know she is everything to me.














HOW TO BURN EVERYTHING


With a michevous smile painted on her beautiful face she slowly reaches into your chest. She pulls free your heart and tattoos her name upon it. Next with fingers still covered in ink and blood she pulls free her own and places it in your hand.
As you watch dumbstruck she takes to the air and flies just out of reach. She picks up a red faded can of gasoline and pours it over herself while watching you run to her. With trembling fingers she strikes a match, the flame licks at her fingers as you arrive.
Heedless of getting burned you wrap her in an embrace. Did you wish to save her from the fire or are you just content to burn with her?

Jack and Jill’s Sack of Pills

I’m going to tell you a story, it’s a very common tune.

About two people Jack and Jill and this is what they’ve been through.

High School was wrapping up when Jill met Jack, you see Jill was sought after but that Jack he was a mack.

It was a graduation party, everyone was having fun.

Jill had never drank before, but everyone was having some.

They danced and they laughed as they drank a few beers.

Then they climbed in Jill’s car, they had no fear cause Jack lived near.

A block from Jacks house Jill ran a stop sign.

There was a truck driving thru and Jill couldn’t stop in time.

They smacked into that truck and everything went black.

Jack was hurt real bad the doctors barely brought him back.

Jill felt so guilty as jack fought to rehab.

She stuck by his side, they shared his pills and it got bad.

They both loved the feeling of Jack’s oxy contin.

All the guilt, pain and shame are forgotten.

But eventually that Doctor says “Jack you get no more!!!”

Jack and Jill they were in trouble as it was the pills they now lived for.

So in their desperation they sought them out on the street.

But instead they found the feyt and went from snorting to I.V.

So here it was at just 19, they both had a habit.

They stole, they lied and robbed all for a bag they had to have it.

Jill had begun to sell herself, jack pulled his gun on anyone.

They had warrants for their deeds and so we’re living on the run.

Untill late one night Jack and Jill went up the hill to where those boys were trapping, first Jack then Jill came crashing down and this is how it happened.

They shot up behind a church, and nodded out when they were thru.

When Jill finally awoke, Jack wasn’t breathing he was blue.

Jill she blamed herself and spiraled into depression.

She felt like life was over plus the dope just wasn’t helping.

So on the night they buried Jack, Jill was nowhere to be found.

They found her body the next day, floating in a river face down.

She left a note on the bridge that she jumped from.

Her mother read it at the wake and this how it begun.

To my mom and my dad, I’m so sorry to have hurt you.

To my family and friends I’m sorry for what you were put through.

It’s like we never sit a chance life turned to dust before our eyes.

It began is harmless fun before I knew it Jack had died.

It was set an emotion once I climb behind that wheel.

Once addicted I lost choice it all just seemed unreal.

We both plan to become doctors, we loved life and we had hope.

But our dreams were traded in for a needle and bag of dope.

Our story is not unique but our voices are rarely heard.

We’re overlooked across this country from projects to suburbs.

This is the true pandemic, but we act like we’re all immune.

Untill you are the one shedding tears inside this room.

The guilt shame and regret that addicts feel in active addiction.

Push us deeper into despair, we conjure a lonely prison.

Connection is the key to a disease of isolation.

We must love our addicts back and come together as a nation.

We are all someone’s son, someone’s daughter, sister, brother.

An aunt or an uncle, someone’s father or their mother.

So please help us to fight and don’t treat us as disappointments.

Your love may be our bandage compassion may be our ointment.

Change begins when one of you inspires another another person.

Each time we are successful this story can have a happier version.

So if this touches you, if you know a Jack or Jill.

How will choose to act when this story plays out for real.

We don’t have to fight alone, you don’t have to get that call.

Love us back up off that bridge, it’s in your court don’t drop the ball.

THE END. SEE BELOW FOR MOTIVATION.

I wrote this from a dark place. Silently screaming for the people dying around me while sickly wishing I could join them. Tired of using but unable to stop. Tired of the pain but no strength to do anything about it. Wanting someone to save me but to ashamed to ask for help. Someone did reach out, alot of someone’s. They reminded me of what humanity has that makes us so beautiful. Of the true connection between souls. It is because of them I write. It is because of them I live, love, laugh.

I want to take a moment to remember the ones I’ve lost the past few years to both overdose and suicide. You are always with me. Your cries flow through my pen. Your memories inspire my lines. The place within me that is left hollow by your absence inspires me to help others. The pain I carry for you, as you are now free of it. I love and miss you all.

Rest in Peace- Steven, Matt, Dustin, Hannah, Devon, Josh, Savannah. They’re are so many more that have touched my lives but each of you have a vacant part inside my heart. Untill we meet again.